Make it your way, not my way

(I believe the following sharing did document something important to reflect on. To disguise the information, I use the short form for names)

Dear ... :

This is a rather personal sharing based on the relationship in Lord. I really want to thank you for the information of the Outstanding Teacher Award. It's very thoughtful of you. You may never realize how much I appreciated when you first mentioned about this scheme to me. Curious about why I did't do much about it? Thought for a long while, I decided to share with you my thoughts over this issue.

About two years ago, I was nominated for the Award in the University. When students asked for my signature in agreeing for being nominated, I beamed. Of course I heard of this scheme. There are so many great scholars, mostly my mentors, had received this award. When I received the phone call and subsequently letter from the VP informing me about the “interview” (for those being ‘shortlisted’), I couldn't stop keeping the fingers crossed of being the chosen one. I told my cell group members : “I would like to get the award so that I could glorify Lord when I was on the stage delivering my speech in the Award Ceremony.” With my significant CTE score and encouragement from previous awardees, I aimed high. Though I still put in my prayers for Lord’s will and his way, I know my ego desire won. The lesson I learnt for this time was not the result but the position I put Lord in my heart.

Well, do I care about the reward this time? Of course I do. Do I still want to be recognized from my hard work in teaching throughout these years, of course I do. Do I want to get the award as a proof of my ability, of course I do. Do I know that this may be important for my possible personal action? Of course, I do. I once care so much. For this time, I prayed to Lord : lead me your way, not my way. Proverbs 3:5-6 tells us, "Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.” How difficult is it for me. Thoughout my childhood to adolescence, I always serve as the leader among my peers, in school and in the youth centre. Submission is such a difficult assignment for a person like me. Every time you mention about the scheme, I prayed to Lord: Lord, should I be more pushy on those who may help me in completing the form? Lord, I can’t wait. I have to do something myself. This morning, I run this issue in my mind over and over again. I confirmed that I am ready to be submissive this time – Lord, if this is what you will give me, do it your way. Have someone make the nomination in the best timing. If it’s not from you, take it away. (It ached, without doubt). Even though I may truly lose this if I do not be more active about it, I decide to be submissive. Believe me, this is painful and I nearly weep just by thinking about it. However, I pleaded to live in Lord's way, not my way.

Once again, I really thank you for your thoughtfulness.

Regards, J